This is an absolutely true account of what happened this past Saturday at a party that I attended. It was a Halloween costume party, so instead of using names, I will use characters in order to protect the innocent.+
Once upon a time, in the village of Markham – known to everyone as the richest of all the villages in the land, thanks to the location of many head offices and a healthy tech industry – a group of unlikely travellers gathered and prepared to go to a party. The Sex Therapist, the Naughty Nurse, THE BATMAN and Naughty Red Ridinghood had dinner, got into the Sex Therapist’s car and began to drive to the party. This wasn’t just any party, this was THE much anticipated annual All Hallow’s Eve party held at the house of Napoleon Dynamite and his wife Courtney Love.
While on their way, the Sex Therapist looked a down at his gas gauge.
“Oh no!” he cried, “we’re not going to make it to the party unless we get some gas.”
“Don’t worry citizen,” said THE BATMAN, “I will save us! Pull into that service station over there.”
So the Sex Therapist pulled into a service station and THE BATMAN got out and proceeded to pump gas into the Hyundai Santa Fé. In no time, they were on their way again.
“Phew! That was a close call Batman. Thank you for your help!” The Sex Therapist said, and everyone joined in thanking THE BATMAN.
“THE BATMAN is pleased to serve you citizens.”
Before they could go to the party, they had to go pick up another friend, Father Mullet, but The Sex Therapist wasn’t too familiar with the East end of town and he accidentally turned onto the wrong street.
“I think we’re lost.” said Naughty Red Ridinghood. The Sex Therapist knew it. It was dark, so he didn’t have the sun to guide him and he couldn’t find the great Tower of CN in the horizon that would be able to guide him towards the lake. Once again, the group turned to THE BATMAN.
“You’re on your own citizens, I have nothing.” he said
After awhile of driving around, The Sex Therapist finally found his way and they were off once again to Father Mullet’s house. As they approached the house, The Sex Therapist pulled into the laneway.
“I’ll go call the Father,” said Naughty Nurse as she climbed out of the car and ran up the Father’s porch steps and into the house to call him. While they waited, THE BATMAN got out and had a smoke.
“Hey everybody!” Father Mullet called out as he got into the Santa Fé. “Is everybody as excited as I am to be going to this party? I hope there will be some hot chicks there!” Everyone said yes and once again they were off to the party.
As they neared the home of Napoleon Dynamite and Courtney Love, the group of friends found themselves lost once again.
“Where did Napoleon say their new house was?” The Sex Therapist asked as he turned down one street, then another, then another again.
“THE BATMAN thinks it’s the next left.” THE BATMAN answered, but it wasn’t. Finally, they pulled over and asked a nursing baby for directions. “Excuse me citizen,” THE BATMAN enquired, can you tell THE BATMAN where Shank St. is? The baby didn’t know. So The Sex Therapist called Napoleon on his cell phone and got directions to the house.
When they arrived, Napoleon was waiting for them outside.
“What took you so long! Gosh!” Napoleon asked. Then he noticed the Naughty Nurse and Naughty Red Ridinghood. “Hey, you two want a hug?”
The Sex Therapist told him the story and they all laughed. Then Napoleon invited everyone in. They all entered the house and climbed the stairs to where the party was. Everyone was already there and half in the tank.
“Hey guys! I’m so glad you could make it!” Courtney Love greeted them at the top of the stairs. “Come on in, have a drink and let’s Party!”
It was quite the event. Everyone was there, including Satan, the Crow, Mad Dog, Harry Potter and Hunter S. Thompson, The Sex Therapist’s old buddy from school.
“Hey Sexy! Long time no see!” Hunter said, referring to The Sex Therapist. They both greeted each other and reminisced for awhile.
The party was going along quite nicely when The Sex Therapist noticed the Sexy Belly Dancer. It appeared she came with the Big Genie, but at that moment, she seemed to be spending more time with the Aussie but the Big Genie hadn’t noticed yet.
“Nothing good can come of this.” The Sex Therapist said to himself. But he ignored it for awhile and went upstairs to the patio where THE BATMAN was smoking reefer with another Doctor, a Sheriff, Zorro, a cop and a Soldier.
The party went on into early the next morning before people began to leave. The Sex Therapist noticed the Sexy Belly Dancer and the Big Genie were preparing to leave when the Aussie approached the Sexy Belly Dancer.
“Right mate,” the Aussie said to the Sexy Belly Dancer, “give me a call.” At least that’s what The Sex Therapist thinks was said.
“Maybe I will.” the Sexy Belly Dancer seemed to be saying with her eyes. The Big Genie took exception to this and barked at the Aussie.
“I wish you would leave her alone!” The Sex Therapist thought he heard the Big Genie say.
Then the Big Genie grabbed the Aussie and said something to him angrily apparently trying to get him to step outside. At this point some others at the party began to notice the melee.
“What’s going on?” Asked the Naughty Nurse.
“I’m so drunk!” added Father Mullet.
“Oh my Zzzzzzzzzz!” said Naughty Red Ridinghood.
“@$%&!” slurred Courtney Love.
“There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge.” Hunter S. Thompson stated. No one knew what he was talking about.
“Gosh!” gasped Napoleon, then looking at the Sexy Bellydancer he said, “You want a hug?”
“Quick! Get Batman!” The Sex Therapist shouted. Naughty Nurse ran upstairs to call THE BATMAN. Moments later, THE BATMAN stumbled down the stairs.
“What’s going on citizens?” but the tension subsided by then and the Big Genie and the Sexy Belly Dancer made their exit.
“Boy that was a close one.” The Sex Therapist sighed.
The rest of the party went off without a hitch. The group of travelling friends were the last ones to leave.
“Thank you for coming.” said Courtney Love, “We hope you had a good time.”
Of course they all did. The Sex Therapist went out to start the Santa Fé. He noticed a yellow piece of paper on his windshield.
“Motherfucker!” he swore, “I can’t believe I got a parking ticket!”
“Whoa! That sucks dude!” added Father Mullet, not helping matters.
They all climbed in the Santa Fé and started for home.
“Bye!” Courtney waived.
“Don’t forget to vote for Pedro!” Napoleon shouted.
They dropped Father Mullet off at his house. This time they didn’t get lost.
“I’m hungry.” Naughty Red Ridinghood was now wide awake. So they pulled into a MacDonald’s and ordered a late night snack and ate it on the way home. After dropping Naughty Red Ridinghood and THE BATMAN off, The Sex Therapist and Naughty Nurse made their way up to their home in the Holland’s Landing and went to bed just before the sun came up.
“That was fun.” said Naughty Nurse sleepily.
“Yes it was.” agreed the Sex Therapist. They had already forgotten about all the bad things that happened in the evening like getting lost twice on the way to the party, almost witnessing a fight, and the parking ticket. Now all they remembered was all the T&A at the party and how much fun they had.
The moral of the story…
Parking in downtown Toronto is NEVER cheap!
What are you thinking?