Kung Fu and Martha Stewart

For those of you looking to get in shape but don’t like the idea of joining a gym or purchasing one of a gazillion home exercise products available. Give martial arts a try. You may enjoy it and it is a great workout. You can never be too old either. I had my first Kung Fu lesson a few months ago just before my 30th birthday… But I digress, this blog entry isn’t really about our weekly workout ritual. I just thought I’d mention it for future reference and as a setup to what I really wanted to write about.

So last night, Tanya and I went over to Dave’s after work. We usually arrive at around 6:30pm, chat for awhile about each other’s week and then at 7pm we get down to business. On this evening, we arrived a little before 6:30pm so we sat and talked awhile, then Tanya proceeded to show Dave photographs of our vacation in Portugal this past summer. I decided to get into my workout clothes so I grabbed my bag and went into the bathroom to get changed.

Once I was in my workout gear I decided that while I was in there, I may as well…well you know. So I had a seat and reached for a magazine on the rack. The selection consisted of Some Kung Fu magazines (obviously Dave’s) and a Martha Stewart Living (Dave’s wife Josee’s). Having already perused through the Kung Fu monthly in previous visits, I decided to look through the Martha Mag.

I flipped through the first few pages (they were all ads) and landed on a calendar. As far as I could tell, the calendar listed Martha’s schedule for the month of October. The schedule seemed to suggest activities that any good homemaker should perform, such as going out collecting turned leaves and stuff to make wreaths (like she doesn’t just buy hers), preparing the garden for the winter (like she doesn’t pay professionals to do that for her) and baking halloween cookies for the kids (whatever!).

Upon a further glance of this calendar, I surmised two things about Martha Stewart. She is an obsessive-compulsive workaholic freak who takes on too much and doesn’t know the value of a good night’s sleep (I believe this theory is well-documented). She is also a liar who doesn’t do half the shit she says she does, but wants to brainwash women all over the planet into thinking that this somehow resembles what their schedules should look like regardless of what their own busy lives or careers demand… Once again, I digress. This isn’t where I was supposed to be going with my story (but I may file that rant away for later).

As I read through Martha’s scheduled tasks for October…

• October 5th: Bake a dozen pies pumpkin pies
• October 7th: Make a floral arrangement for Tom and Kate’s Wedding
• October 8th: Throw a dinner party for the queen mother

(Note: this may not be exactly what was written, but you get the gist)

…I was struck with an amusing thought. I assume that the magazine didn’t stop being published while Martha was in the Sin Bin for insider trading. So what did the calendar look like while she was in prison? Well, I suppose I could ask Josee for her back-issues, or even do a web search to find out, but that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as speculating.

So here’s what I think the calendar may have looked like while Martha was in the crowbar saloon:

• March 26th: Take hard boiled eggs that you’ve snuck out of the cafeteria and decorate them for Easter
• March 28th: Hide the Easter eggs out in the yard for the inmates without the guards noticing
• March 29th: Big Bertha’s execution. Take her spare jumpsuit and make some fashionable orange drapes for the cell
• March 30th: Bake lemon cake with file in it for bake sale
• March 31st: Make the Warden’s wife a flower arrangement for their anniversary
• April 1st: Speak with the cafeteria cook about suggestions to spice up their spring menu
• April 2nd: Meet Tina at her bunk for a late evening…er…quilting session…ahem…

I could go on, but I think you get the picture…