And so it begins…

In the blue corner to my right, wearing the blue trunks with straight white stripes, our challenger weighing in at 99 seats in the 2004 election; hailing from Toronto, Ontario, Canada; fighter of government waste; champion of lower sales taxes; giver of blanket child-care rebates; proponent of better health-care for the rich; smiter of gay rights; and wearer of silly costumes, Stephen “Golden Boy” Harper!

In the orange corner to my far left, wearing pink trunks with clashing orange stripes and a t-shirt that reads “I’m with Stupid” and a pointing hand aimed at the red corner, our other challenger weighing in at 19 seats; hailing from Montreal, Quebec, Canada; he’s the voice on the Liberal’s left shoulder; balancer of Liberal’s screwed up budgets; champion of public health-care, public pension, public child-care, public displays of affection, public nudity, public everything; and 19 votes in the Liberal’s back pocket, ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, Jack “I’ll vote whichever way the Liberal’s do as long as they let me play politician” Layton!

In the other blue corner, trying desperately to get out of the ring; wearing blue trunks made of hemp, with a fleur-de-lis tattooed on his back; another challenger, but content to fight only in his own little corner, kicking at competitors while they’re down; weighing in at 54 inexplicable seats; hailing from Montreal, Quebec, Canada (of course); advocate of decriminalizing marijuana; protector of the french; fighter for Quebec sovereignty, divider of countries, Gilles ”the fighting French ferret-face” Duceppe!

Finally, in the red corner…our incumbent…weighing in at a minority-inducing-and-therefore-we-have-to-suffer-another-election-so-soon 135 seats; hailing from Windsor, Ontario, Canada; with a lifetime election record of 1-0 with one minority government; the former finance minister; shrinker of deficits; cutter of income tax and giver of rebates; succeeder of Chrétien; champion of gay marriage; alienator of Americans; breaker of election promises, ladies and gentlemen, the Prime Minister of the Federal Parliamentary Democracy of Canada, From Sea to Shining Sea (until ferret-face gets his way of course), Paul “Boom Boom” Martin!